"Mother is the name of God in the lips and hearts of little children" -
William Makepeace Thackeray.
William Makepeace Thackeray.
Have you ever been "mommed"? Not in the negative way when your mother used to nag you about something you didn't want to talk about, but in the loving way. I remember a movie by Ray Bradbury called, "Electric Grandmother". The grandma was played by Maureen Stapleton. It was about a family who loses their mother. They go to a factory and design the grandma. She takes care of their needs and when they have grown she goes into storage. Many years later when the siblings are all elderly themselves, they go to the storage facility and retrieve her to bring her back to care for them again. Of late I have thought about her, looking back so very long ago and remembering the warmth of childhood, to a time when I was "mommed" enough.
As I start to enter menopause, I am more reflective. I remember both good and bad pasts. Lives that seem so very far away from me now. But this reflective aspect of my life also brings with it memories of my mom. Now I no longer receive hugs from my mother or my grandmother. Nor do they make cookies for me or tuck me in at night. I look back at my youth and wish my mother had been more loving for a longer period of time; not getting so busy as to push me aside. I realize there is a pain in my heart for a childhood cut short by responsibility and untreated parental depression. I ask myself, "Had she been more attentive would I have turned right instead of left when....." And the question always goes unanswered. But nonetheless, I am left feeling not loved enough, not "mommed" enough.
As I look deeper into myself and my relationship with food, it is most often associated with the past, with love, with mothers, grandmothers, and aunts; for we were always in the kitchen, cooking and serving the men. Practicing the Buddhist meditation taught by Pema Chodron I ask my pain what it is that makes my relationship with food so unhealthy - the answer came back, "your pain from your mother". It is my pain that makes me a better mother, it is my pain that makes me choose careers that can be worked around children and their needs, it is my pain that makes me make unhealthy choices sometimes because I was not "mommed" enough.
Several of the Greenfire Women are women who were not "mommed" enough either. Whether through early deaths of our mothers, substance abuse, neglect, or untreated depression, we just were not loved enough. Perhaps that is why we seek out the face of the Divine in feminine form; perhaps that is why we stay in touch even after they have finished training with me; perhaps we help fill that hole - that gap from not being "mommed" enough.
Due to these revelations, I have decided that I must treat myself better. Going to the doctor or dentist, buying new makeup or creams, exercising, doing things that make me happy, in essence, "momming" myself. Along with this self-care routine, I have decided to eat healthier lunches and have started to purchase lunch from a Greenfire Woman who has started her own business, Pandora's Products. Tears came to my eyes the other day when I received a text from her, "do you have enough to eat?" This is not something I have heard in so long, no one has asked and no one has cared. I had just been "mommed".
As I went through my weeks I realized we "mom" each other in a circle of women. I stopped by my friend's tattoo shop, Ink Sanctuary, and we sat to talk for a long time. The energy in the shop was wonderful and I felt really good catching up with her. I was so proud of what she had created and glad to call her my friend - again I had just been "mommed".
So perhaps our mothers in their humanity didn't come close to the mark as mothers. Perhaps some of them just downright failed as mothers. We cannot go back, we can only go forward and seek out love from other women as surrogate moms. The Art of Momming is simple. It requires sending a card when a friend needs it or inviting them over for tea - as my neighbor did the other day. Sometimes it means listening without judgement or giving a hug. Other times it means asking, "Did you have enough to eat?"
As I start to enter menopause, I am more reflective. I remember both good and bad pasts. Lives that seem so very far away from me now. But this reflective aspect of my life also brings with it memories of my mom. Now I no longer receive hugs from my mother or my grandmother. Nor do they make cookies for me or tuck me in at night. I look back at my youth and wish my mother had been more loving for a longer period of time; not getting so busy as to push me aside. I realize there is a pain in my heart for a childhood cut short by responsibility and untreated parental depression. I ask myself, "Had she been more attentive would I have turned right instead of left when....." And the question always goes unanswered. But nonetheless, I am left feeling not loved enough, not "mommed" enough.
As I look deeper into myself and my relationship with food, it is most often associated with the past, with love, with mothers, grandmothers, and aunts; for we were always in the kitchen, cooking and serving the men. Practicing the Buddhist meditation taught by Pema Chodron I ask my pain what it is that makes my relationship with food so unhealthy - the answer came back, "your pain from your mother". It is my pain that makes me a better mother, it is my pain that makes me choose careers that can be worked around children and their needs, it is my pain that makes me make unhealthy choices sometimes because I was not "mommed" enough.
Several of the Greenfire Women are women who were not "mommed" enough either. Whether through early deaths of our mothers, substance abuse, neglect, or untreated depression, we just were not loved enough. Perhaps that is why we seek out the face of the Divine in feminine form; perhaps that is why we stay in touch even after they have finished training with me; perhaps we help fill that hole - that gap from not being "mommed" enough.
Due to these revelations, I have decided that I must treat myself better. Going to the doctor or dentist, buying new makeup or creams, exercising, doing things that make me happy, in essence, "momming" myself. Along with this self-care routine, I have decided to eat healthier lunches and have started to purchase lunch from a Greenfire Woman who has started her own business, Pandora's Products. Tears came to my eyes the other day when I received a text from her, "do you have enough to eat?" This is not something I have heard in so long, no one has asked and no one has cared. I had just been "mommed".
As I went through my weeks I realized we "mom" each other in a circle of women. I stopped by my friend's tattoo shop, Ink Sanctuary, and we sat to talk for a long time. The energy in the shop was wonderful and I felt really good catching up with her. I was so proud of what she had created and glad to call her my friend - again I had just been "mommed".
So perhaps our mothers in their humanity didn't come close to the mark as mothers. Perhaps some of them just downright failed as mothers. We cannot go back, we can only go forward and seek out love from other women as surrogate moms. The Art of Momming is simple. It requires sending a card when a friend needs it or inviting them over for tea - as my neighbor did the other day. Sometimes it means listening without judgement or giving a hug. Other times it means asking, "Did you have enough to eat?"
